The Beginning

Just the word lesbian is a good place to start. Obvious definition is that of a homosexual woman. Homosexual being a person who is attracted to someone of the same sex. For a long time I had difficulty with this word and even now there is still a feeling of discomfort associated with it. Though I no longer cringe when hearing or being called a lesbian, I still have to take a step back and sort of remind myself that it’s ok. Make a mental note that it is part of my identity and I’m proud of it, or at least try to be. Which of course is very difficult initially. Homosexuality, in Africa and most places around the world, is associated with all kinds of negative values and sinful transgressions. In Ethiopia, where I grew up and am currently residing in, it is something that most do not want to be, look down upon or have negative feelings towards. In most cases, homosexuality is not even a subject that is talked about. There is this notion that it does not exist within Ethiopia, that there are no LG individuals within the country. The mainstream culture being hostile to same sex relations, it negates the possibility of its existence. And in instances that such behavior is witnessed or talked about, it is portrayed as a western phenomena that goes against the values and traditions held dear within Ethiopia.

Growing up, probably until 14 or 15, I was never really aware that homosexuality existed. There was essentially no representation of gays or lesbians within Ethiopia. And when I realized that there was such a thing, it was clocked in secrecy and disapproval. Being something so out of the norm, I did not need any encouragement to instantly perceive it as shameful and appalling. It was just one more example of Western decadence and something that ought to be rejected and outright condemned. To my mind, whether it was biologically, morally or legally, there was no room for accommodation or acceptance. There were people that are wholly in the wrong and thus needed to be shown the correct path. Now of course, never really having had any contact with gays or lesbians at that point, I didn’t really think that much of homosexuality but homophobic ideas and feelings were clearly ingrained in my mind. And thus, the possibility that I myself could be a lesbian never came to consideration.

In high school I was sort of the boyish one that dressed in baggy jeans and t-shirts. When my friends started showing interest in boys I was curiously not intrigued. Dating and getting to know someone of the opposite sex intimately did not even cross my mind. I would say that till around 17, I was somewhat asexual. I did not experience any attraction to either sex. In part it was the family I came from, which stressed education and tried to limit our contact from boys. But even if that was not the case, I can’t really imagine myself doing what those around me were, going out on dates, having sex, fooling around……..